Why is it called "football" if you can touch it with your hands?

The National Football League begins it's regular season this evening with a match up of the Super Bowl champion New York Giants and the Washington Redskins. That must mean only one thing: the New York sports media will demand that QB Eli Manning must be replaced the millisecond he throws his first interception. No, wait, that's not the only thing it means. It also means that it's time for the 1st Annual Voices in my Head I'm Totally Pulling These Picks Out of my Butt Because I Don't Really Know That Much About Football Predictions.

Truth be told, I'll only pay a little bit of attention to football at this early stage of the season, mostly just to see if Kyle Orton can throw an accurate pass down field or if Brett Favre retires in the middle of a game. Really now, just after Labor Day is way too early for football. Get back to me when it's cold and there's a chance of snow. I won't even watch more than a minute of a game until Thanksgiving Day. Right now, it's still baseball season, baby.

And now, the predictions:

NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

NFC North
1. Minnesota Vikings
2. Green Bay Packers
3. CHICAGO BEARS
4. Detroit Lions

NFC East
1. New York Giants
2. Dallas Cowboys (can someone please tell me how Dallas ended up in the East?)
3. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Washington Redskins

NFC South
1. New Orleans Saints
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4. Atlanta Falcons

NFC West
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. St. Louis Rams
3. Arizona Cardinals
4. San Francisco 49er's

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE

AFC North
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Cleveland Browns
3. Baltimore Ravens
4. Cincinnati Bengals

AFC East
1. New England Patriots
2. New York Jets
3. Miami Dolphins
4. Buffalo Bills

AFC South
1. Indianapolis Colts
2. Jacksonville Jaguars
3. Tennessee Titans
4. Houston Texans

AFC West
1. San Diego Chargers
2. Denver Broncos
3. Kansas City Chargers
4. Oakland Raiders

Don't ask me about playoffs or wild cards or any of that. Don't know, don't care, but I do have a feeling how it will ultimately shake out:

SUPER BOWL
Indianapolis Colts over the New York Giants

The Bears will go 8-8 and be lucky they did that well. It's going to be a long season for them.