Jesse Helms Arrives in Hell

Hell (AP)-Jesse Helms, his lying-in-state and funeral now over, has arrived in Hell. The late North Carolina senator was greeted warmly upon his arrival by Satan, the Dark Lord of the Underworld. “So good to finally see you, my friend,” Satan told Helms as he gave him a warm embrace. Helms appeared happy with his new surroundings and commented on the weather. “Being from the South," Helms said, “I’ve always enjoyed the heat. At least down here, it’s a dry heat.” Helms was also happy to reacquaint himself with old friends. “Strom, old buddy, good to see you,” Helms said as he shook hands with the late senator from North Carolina, Strom Thurmond. Thurmond told Helms he would enjoy the compatibility of everyone in Hell. “We all get along, and, thank goodness, there’s none of them homosexuals around, except for that Roy Cohn fella. But he was one of the good ones,” Thurmond said. “I’m not sure why J. Edgar Hoover is wearing a sun dress, though. Makes you wonder.” Senator Helms was also looking forward to meeting historical figures he admired. “Mussolini is quite a character. We’re having dinner tonight and I’m going to find out how he got those trains to run on time. Never got that socialist organization Amtrak to do that,” Helms said. “And tomorrow, I’m playing shuffle board with Jefferson Davis. I hear he’s quite good.”